Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Too low-key, oblique. I mean, Lean Pockets??? If you want fame, you need Controversy. Sex. War. Race. And of course, God.
Just in time for the 2006 Hurricane Season, I have good news. The Big Easy is back!
"We are Looking for High-Class, Energetic, Exciting, Outgoing Party People! Potential to make over $1000 a Day! Inexpensive Accomodations Available. Turn in This AD for $200 Travel Reimbursement!"
Yes indeed, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club at 225 Bourbon Street, New Orleans is hiring "Cocktail Waitresses" and "Professional Entertainers".
And here I was worried about the lack of affordable housing. Take that, Katrina!
Speaking of hurricanes, if you live near Brownsville, Texas, you might want to evacuate now. Brownsville as you know is near the Mexican border, and there is a security checkpoint on the main evacuation route headed out of town.
Hopefully they'll hold any hurricanes at the checkpoint, too, since they plan on maintaining the checkpoint even during a hurricane evacuation. As the Houston Press so succinctly put it, otherwise "some Mexicans might get in, and then the terrorists would have won."Speaking of election year pandering, given rising inflation, trade and budget deficits, social security and medicare insolvency and the lack of access to health care, oh and schools that don't prepare our students to compete against cheaper foreign labor in a free-trade world, and a minimum wage that hasn't been raised while Congress raised their own pay 7 times (see amendment 27 below), our elected representatives have decided that the most important order of business for the future of our country is...
ding! time's up!
...passing a constitutional amendment to prevent states from recognizing gay marriages.
First, some statistics.
Support for ExxonMobil shareholder proposals to add sexual orientation to the list of explicitly prohibited forms of discrimination, by year:
2000 13.0%
2002 23.9%
2003 27.3%
2004 28.9%
2005 29.5%
2006 34.6%
Quick, change the Constitution while we still can, because it looks like our kids might want to live in a different world than we live in today! If we don't change the constitution, they might decide that men could marry men, and women women, like we decided it was okay for Catholics to marry Jews to marry blacks to marry whites.
The irony is that I seem to think of the Constitution protecting the meek from the strong; people from their governments, minorities from the majorities. Maybe now is a good time to review what the rules of this country are.
United States Constitution, Amendments 1-27
#1 government can't tell you who to pray to, what to read or say or complain about.
#2 government can't take away all the guns.
#3 government can't keep soldiers in your house.
#4 government can't spy on you or take your stuff without good reason.
#5 government can't try you for something serious without proof.
#6 government can't jail you indefinitely without trial, and trials must be fair.
#7 government can't try you without a jury unless you agree.
#8 government can't be unreasonable in bail or punishment.
#9 these aren't all your rights.
#10 the federal government only has power we explicitly give it, and no more.
#11 states can't go suing each other.
#12 runner up doesn't get vice presidency anymore; separate vote for that job.
#13 sorry about that whole slavery thing. you're officially not slaves now.
#14 we'll even make you citizens. rebels pay for the war, can't run for office.
#15 your kids are citizens too. your skin color can't lessen your rights.
#16 government can tax your income.
#17 you get to elect your senators directly.
#18 no drinks for you.
#19 sorry about that whole "barefoot and pregnant" joke, lady. have a ballot.
#20 congress picks the pres/VP if they both die.
#21 alright, you're (amendment) 21, have a drink.
#22 hey FDR, let someone else have a turn as president.
#23 DC can have a vote. sorta.
#24 poor people, you can vote too.
#25 congress can let VP take over if president goes loony.
#26 18 year olds: we can't give you a beer, so have a ballot instead.
#27 congressional pay raises must wait 2 years.
So there we have it. In summary:
A) we don't trust the government.
B) we don't trust majorities.
C) we occasionally have to tweak even technical rules as times change.
D) we change our minds about morality, especially where there are no agreed victims.
Speaking of victimless crimes, did you know Prostitution is legal in Germany, where the World Cup is about to start? Sex workers are flooding in. Because of this, the US is accusing Germany of encouraging trafficing of sex slaves. And did you know that by mentioning sex again this blog probably moved up some search engine 37 places?
Sex trafficing and Germany of course makes me think of... Southeast Asia (what did you think I was going to say?). Thailand and Vietnam. Wikipedia quotes Pulitzer Prize winning My Lai reporter Michael Sallah as saying "you would have difficulties finding a single newspaper in Germany or elsewhere in Europe which does not deal with My Lai, Abu Ghraib and Haditha in the same commentary."
Haditha is of course the Iraqi city where a couple dozen Iraqis were killed by American Marines. This is one where everybody says "of course we have to wait until we know more" and then proceeds to say "why did they snap?".
I guess the lesson for me is that in any war, the soldiers are mostly young men with guns, and even with the best training, sometimes people in terrible situations will make terrible choices. And the costs of those (in my view unavoidable) mistakes must be factored into the expected costs of any war, no matter how noble.
Hearing electronic laughter at the word "noble", I'm reminded of a WW2 vet who described how, when German soldiers slaughtered American POWs after the Battle of the Bulge, the Americans started slaughtering the German POWs in return. "We took prisoners, most just didn't make it back alive." Civilians were intentionally targetted in Dresden, Hiroshima and Nagasaki. War deadens our civility and over time demands victory at any cost, then cessation at any cost. In Germany and Japan we could rationalize that even the civilians, powering the factories, were the enemy. What do we do though when (at least some of) the civilians are *not* declared the enemy?
I'll tell my children that putting soldiers on foreign soil quickly breeds resentment then hatred, no matter the intent. The necessary level of restraint cannot be indefinitely sustained against a native enemy with time, local knowledge and terrorist tactics on their side. Our military might can be used to destroy a visible external threat to our own or other's existing (stable) status quo, but it cannot be used to shape a new status quo. Even in Afghanistan (a perceived success) the Taliban is making a comeback with the help of villagers who associate Western troops with destruction of their vital opium poppy crop. The new status quo is only sustainable with force, that force fosters resentment, resentment breeds resistence, which exacts a cost undermining the will to sustain the required force. It's how our country gained independence.
Status quos and the social trends that shape them are powerful, like forces of nature. Climates and hurricanes. We try to fight them with bombs and amendments, but ultimately we are humbled by them. Katrina had the force of 100,000 atomic bombs. Kids today have grown up with Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Whether we want to change or protect the status quo, it can be tempting to think our faith and pure intentions will part the waters, Old Testament style.
I'd like to bring back the God of my youth, specifically the Serenity Prayer I used to read on the wall at my Grandma's house.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change those things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
God, at the start of the 2006 hurricane season, grant everyone the wisdom to know when to get out of the way of the storm.
On a lighter God note, I hear the Da Vinci Code video game sucks ___. Why would anyone play a game where you already know *everything* that is going to happen? What kind of adventure is that? Who buys this stuff?
Is there anything else controversial I've left out? Let me know.
Oh, by the way, the new Lean Pockets with the soft bread - totally edible.
5 comments:
Brilliant.
I believe you did hit every one (hot point). I can't wait to see what responses you get.
Oh-- and I'd like to keep a copy of your admendments. I think they would be wonderful for a classroom. Is that cool?
absolutely :-)
Did you happen to catch the 6/6/06 Daily Show? Check it out on your recorder if you missed it. Much of it was about the no gay marriage amendment.
Everytime you ever played me in video football... you knew exactly what was going to happen. So did Angela. BBBBOOOOOOYAH! :)
You still out there? Just checking on you.
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