Vent

T. once told me of his ride in the back of a landscaping truck with a bunch of good old boys who told racist jokes along the way. What offended him, he said, was not so much the jokes (we've all heard offensive jokes) but rather that these guys had judged him to be someone who would find such things funny. I related to that.

I believe that with power comes responsibility. It offends me when those in positions of power do not use their power to lift up (or protect) those with less power. Perhaps the ideal of equality is less widely or genuinely held than I would like to believe. Perhaps people are just short-sighted. But I expect men to speak out against sexism, whites against racism, natives against xenophobia, heterosexuals against homophobia, Christians against religious bigotry. Not because a white straight Protestant American male is better or nobler or stronger than anyone else; rather because he is given the most power in society.

I spent my teens growing accustomed to social conservatism, the desire of people in various majorities to conserve the social status and power they held. I never grew accustomed to economic conservatism, though, perhaps because I didn't grow up surrounded by people with lots of money. I spent my twenties neither rich nor poor, needing to watch my money but confident in my future. On the eve of my thirtieth birthday I spoke to C. in England, and said that I felt I had enough income to live comfortably.

2002 was a watershed year. I turned thirty. America went to war. I went to America. My income and net worth began a steady climb. And I began to be surrounded for the first time with true economic conservatives.

I had always considered the best parts of my life to be mainly due to the good fortune and charity of others: my parents and grandparents who loved me, taught me values and looked out for me; teachers who showed belief in me and gave me opportunities; cousins and friends who shared themselves with me and gave me the confidence to be myself with them,; charitable people who funded scholarships and assistantships; taxpayers who subsidized my education; I could go on. I did my part, but it seemed a vanishingly small part.

So when I was surrounded by other people who were experiencing financial success, I expected to find a community of humble, grateful people who were energized by the possibility of what a difference they could make in the lives of others. Instead I found people who, while on the whole very affable and kind, were mainly preoccupied with the resolution of their new television, the features of their new car, the size of their new deck. These were not bad people; I like many of them. I just could not relate to the lack of humility or sense of responsibility.

Now thirty-five and in Texas, I find a different sort of economic conservative. Jealous of his money, he sees the world conspiring to mug him. He seeks to conserve his economic position, while dismissing equally the distasteful rants of the social conservatives (those nice Untouchables will work for less) and the tiresome complaints of the downtrodden (we can't afford to touch everyone).

But this is not what offends me. I am offended by this: on a weekly basis I am subjected to conspiratorial theses or jokes by those who seem desperate to convince themselves that anyone who would claim wealth carries responsibilities is motivated by greed or stupidity. Not greedy or stupid, us, we privileged.

Perhaps I am unfair. But to hear complaints about entitlement programs from those whose lives (like mine) *are* entitlement programs... it feels insulting, and with hot blood in the face I bite my tongue. Because wealth does carry responsibility, and my responsibility is not to waste the good I can do on self-defeating office rants. Too easy.

But still, another evening gone.